dancing lights

another new day
I find myself freezing in 
another airport lounge

face against the cold glass
watching the endless lights 
dancing in the distance

they warm the heart - 
flickering, fading, 
flaring up again...

I place my wishes for you 
on them - love, joy, peace, 
time, space, bliss...

somewhere a voice is calling
breaking through the memories
it's time now to fly away again.

wait until she leaves II

wait until she leaves you

you will learn the names of 
all the gods in this universe

as you learn to scream hers
in a hundred different ways

wait until she leaves

wait until she leaves you

when you wake up to a life 
drenched in grief, limbs heavy
her scent still on your skin

the coloured-everything-and-then-left 
ache of her unloving, 
the absent presence of her

everywhere, every minute, 
her laughter, her warmth
her throaty, brazen whispers 

wait until you wake up 
feeling her hands on you and then
remember she is gone

the echoing emptiness
when the once-abundant waterfall 
of her love is still

and she is already far away, 
her ghost left behind to haunt you
with every heartbeat

then you will know what it is 
to be loved by a woman

you will weep

omission V

another day of 3 a.m. sadness
waiting for you with my
heart in my mouth
this silence is
choking me

omission IV

not even this late sunset

enveloping me in golden light

can melt these shards of ice

you stabbed me with

so many times last night

omission III

your careless words
falling so effortlessly
from those fingers

those careless hands
so deftly breaking
my heart apart

so blinded by you
I just didn't see
that knife

omission II

funny how you can break a heart
without ever laying a finger
on the one who loves

omission I

tonight's going to be another night
of lying on the ground at 3 am
but tonight I won't wonder
where you are

precipice

you are a precipice
and I like to live 
a little too dangerously

rushing headlong
when I see the fall
shattering ecstasy

such delicious violence
colour me sated
when blood is drawn

numbers

the numbers can't go wrong
you said, but I know 
how they lie

tunnel vision

today I am that girl on the train
red notebook, blue pen
scribbling your name

do you even know
I want to sink my teeth
into the side of your palm?

do you even know 
you hold my heart 
in those careless hands?

everything is too bright
with you colouring my days
shading them in a slow ache

let me put this book away
return this borrowed pen
erase this scar I can't name

trust

people are not to be trusted
you said
especially not in this city

oh baby
don't trust me
in any city

Kiss IX

who knew
from that easy smile
your mouth
held so much promise

thin line - II

every time you 
taste happiness
for a little too long

I hope it stabs you,
the memory 
of what you did to us

youniverse

born right in time for 
a violent uprising

shortly before 
the breakout of 
a three-decade-long war

in a country where 
no less than seven people 
die in road accidents 
every single day

and one natural disaster
claimed almost 
thirty-one thousand lives 
in the space of
half-a-morning 

how is it that 
death has not 
claimed you yet?

[my love-hate holds you 
bound tightly to
this earth]

escape

dodged a bullet yesterday -
                   it's not easy, hiding from you 
                   in a country suddenly
                   too small.

idiocy IV

what once 
seemed like love
in hindsight becomes
an astounding type of idiocy -
it takes two rare idiots
to do to each other
what we did

nightmares

vocal cords 
paralyzed, woke up 
soundlessly screaming

throat raw, 
burning; your ghost 
shredding my sleep still

you were only reading
in an empty house you used 
to visit, a house I once lived in

and yet I woke up
silently screaming, the 
sight of you unbearable still

bloom

as memories burn into ashes
all around
the world begins to bloom

no winning

even as I stare into the inky blackness of night-time sky 35,000 feet up in the air you are right there staring back at me

turbulence

flying somewhere again what does it matter where all these thousands of feet up in the midnight sky your ghost flies along with me without stopping to breathe outside there is a storm and inside it rages still

thin line - I

there were days I wished those tricky roads took your life

broken

broken by you completely, I no longer know how to love

not mine now - II

I know what it is to love a man like you I will not steal from her I know what it is to be broken for you bleeding all over the place

not mine now - I

one last thing this year:
finally letting you go -
you are not mine now.

wild thing

do you even know you have tamed a wild thing, made it yours?

celebration

celebrating us: I am still breathless at the thought of you - even after all these years.

self-immolation

and now, whenever I soar just a little too high, I remind myself how you unloved me - and it burns my wings right down.

idiocy - III

to think we tried to teach each other how to love

letters - VI

just when I think it gets better clothes throw me – this top, wine red, pinstriped, brings to mind how it made you want to turn back, take it off me, take the day back – make it ours I don’t want to see what you once saw – and no longer desire

undone - II

don’t undo me like this if you don’t mean to kiss me again

letters - V

My heart was lost completely in that magical moment when you turned and looked at me for the very first time and whispered ‘beautiful,’ your dark deep eyes filled with everything I’ve ever wanted. We were at our highest then. After that it was only fall.

letters - IV

The other day – drink in hand, at sunset – you said people don’t ever really get over someone they love. I was trying to explain that old rule of thumb I read somewhere, where they say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. No, I don’t believe it either.

Russian roulette

(the memory of)
your kiss is still a knife I hold
between clenched lips
a live bullet inside
my mouth

undone

slowly undoing that top button of your shirt you undo me

shredded

he called me beautiful today - your memory was gunfire shredding me apart.

slice of happiness

and so you serve me a slice of happiness - I really shouldn't let you make me smile

leaving - VII

stop begging - I refuse to fall into your still-beautiful laughter again.

leaving - VI

don't run to me with your happiness I no longer treasure I am not your home now

leaving - V

you bring your happiness to me as I am emptying myself of you find a new place for your smiles

leaving - IV

how happy we must seem to anyone watching

leaving - III

by the beach today our old roads broken now those dreams all drenched in salt

leaving - II

begging is undignified learn to let me go with grace

leaving - I

you're drowning in regret I am finally unwilling to save you

those hugs

remembering how you used to hug me
until I'd fight for breath

(I still fight to breathe
now that you're gone)

the me from you

we can’t unravel us now, entangled as we are; where do we find a thread? where slip in the knife? how do we start slicing the me from you? we are blended, melded, bonded, fused you have absorbed me, I have inhaled you we are more than one, yet never two how do we separate the me from you?

letters - III

that time I called you a mistake and you cried, I should have stayed the course and shunned those eyes raised a glass and smiled

objectification

you – a singular expendable thing my sweet, sweet darling

letters - II

we met 12 times none of them mattered; I lost my heart completely in that moment you looked at me for the very first time

letters - I

almost a month later, I am slowly beginning to let go. sometimes I even believe I want to.

too much for two

you said 'don't do this' I prayed 'don't do this' and together we hurt a little too much for two people

medicine

they say feelings are only visitors and to let love come and go; they say other people are not medicine; but you were, you were.

should have - I

I should have been more afraid of your scars

endings

I was a willing conquest turned cold war you a magician showing your hand too soon when the veil fell away so did we

dead love(r)

you hurled yourself into the hereafter so violently ten years later I still tremble remembering such arrogance your damning finality

blindsided

my heart
it would have
followed you anywhere

- once

terror - I

I was not prepared for the terror of loving you

go away

today you return
emotional blackmail turned up high
I turn a blind eye

displaced

I was my own home -you displaced me

drugs - II

that the world can and will offer you these things that may take you from me - therein lies the rub, the sting of loving you too much

too much

it has always scared me - this loving you, this much.

drugs - I

what a disquieting thing it is to deeply love someone and yet know you cannot keep them safe - not even from themselves.

Maya

I too was Maya once but with you I wasn't always elusively illusion

angels

what did they say those angels on your shoulders to stop you from touching me?

I miss the bruises

I miss the bruises of your kisses most that morning-after validation of us the signature of your face pressed into my flesh

knifed - I

for someone who barely managed a kiss worth remembering you still stabbed the knife of memory into every breach

slurp

unpeeling your skin would bring me a particular pleasure a lust-filled joy culminating in slurp.

other men think you are a lucky man

other men think you are a lucky man but - I have tasted your skin my fingers dancing on fire and known no darker magic yet -

blinded

I didn't see the precipice when you opened your mouth the first time you spoke my name

this distance between us

82 days some 112,860 minutes people have travelled the world in less time than we are taking to travel this distance between us

sorrow vs. grief

Sorrow stabs and flees Grief settles and stays

name game

I speak your name now no longer sacred once held tenderly in my mouth now casually spat out

you can't grapple with grief

you can't grapple with grief lie there quietly let the grief sit let it set slowly let it settle like cement lining your bones

I quit

loving you is not my job - I've resigned

lost

now that I no longer need you I don't know what to do with all this time

checkpoints of return

contemplating checkpoints of return each time you come back I give you less of me

beautiful mistake

you are my most beautiful mistake; you left exquisitely bitter aftertastes.

too late now

if I had known I wouldn't have fanned those flames

obsessed

even your one imperfection a tender place I cherish

selflessness - II

you were the only one whose pain I could not bear, couldn't look at without burning I wanted you to want for nothing your happiness was everything

selflessness - I

my selflessness is selfish I hope I've ruined you for anyone else

last kiss - III

so blame me on the drink, love it sure floods your moral high ground your kisses refuse to be cowed

floored

just when I think we can salvage friendship from these embers, you run your fingers through my hair.

last kiss - II

what did you sing that day, that last day we kissed?

last kiss - I

you were most enjoyable dead drunk switching between kisses and songs

all I want

your rugby jersey, our bed, rain and you.

so funny we cried

if you're doing something might as well do it right: we bagged the award for being so funny we cried.

idiocy - II

we were idiotic, yes, yet: no commonplace idiocy us; we were superbly idiotic.

violent goodbye

raw this ache heart on fire we let us burn a violent goodbye haemorrhaging now

star signs

our star signs are compatible. I wish we were.

90 days - IV

you, gently taking my hands
guiding them to your hair -
trusting, happy
content

me, sitting here knowing
this is goodbye; not
telling you.

surrender - VII

touching you burnt all my fingers my tongue silenced now I dare not breathe we are fire

surrender - VI

don't even ask me what colour the sheets were all I saw was you

surrender - V

stop talking already I don't need more friends shut up and kiss me again

surrender - IV

three places were ours every place is now yours

surrender - III

you are too delicious for words; stop talking

surrender - II

you keep coming back I keep letting you

surrender - I

I shouldn't have to fight to kiss you give me you (again)

space - IV

licking whiskey off those lips, you taste like fire. when you fall silent, I turn into ice again.

space - III

we must stop playing this game of ice and fire