31 December 2014

thin line - I

there were days
I wished those tricky roads
took your life
on

broken

broken by you completely,
I no longer know
how to love
on

not mine now - II

I know what it is
to love a man like you
I will not steal from her

I know what it is
to be broken for you
bleeding all over the place
on

not mine now - I

one last thing this year:
finally letting you go -
you are not mine now.
on

wild thing

do you even know
you have tamed a wild thing,
made it yours?
on

celebration

celebrating us:
I am still breathless
at the thought of you -
even after all these years.
on

24 November 2014

self-immolation

and now,
whenever I soar
just a little too high,
I remind myself
how you unloved me -
and it burns my wings
right down.
on

10 November 2014

idiocy - III

to think we
tried to teach each other
how to love
on

letters - VI

just when I think
it gets better
clothes throw me –

this top,
wine red, pinstriped,
brings to mind how
it made you

want to turn back,
take it off me,
take the day back –
make it ours

I don’t want to see
what you once saw –
and
no longer desire
on

31 October 2014

undone - II

don’t undo me like this
if you don’t mean to
kiss me again
on

30 October 2014

letters - V

My heart was lost completely in that magical moment when you turned and looked at me for the very first time and whispered ‘beautiful,’ your dark deep eyes filled with everything I’ve ever wanted. We were at our highest then. After that it was only fall.
on

letters - IV

The other day – drink in hand, at sunset – you said people don’t ever really get over someone they love.
I was trying to explain that old rule of thumb I read somewhere, where they say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them.
No, I don’t believe it either.
on

25 September 2014

Russian roulette

(the memory of)
your kiss is still a knife I hold
between clenched lips
a live bullet inside
my mouth
on

undone

slowly undoing
that top button of your shirt
you undo me
on

shredded

he called me beautiful today -
your memory was gunfire
shredding me apart.
on

slice of happiness

and so you serve me
a slice of happiness -
I really shouldn't let
you make me smile
on

leaving - VII

stop begging -
I refuse to fall into your
still-beautiful laughter again.
on

leaving - VI

don't run to me with your
happiness I no longer treasure
I am not your home now
on

leaving - V

you bring your happiness to me
as I am emptying myself of you
find a new place for your smiles
on

leaving - IV

how happy
we must seem
to anyone watching
on

leaving - III

by the beach today
our old roads
broken now
those dreams
all drenched in salt
on

leaving - II

begging is undignified
learn to let me go
with grace
on

leaving - I

you're drowning in regret
I am finally unwilling
to save you
on

those hugs

remembering how you used to hug me
until I'd fight for breath

(I still fight to breathe
now that you're gone)
on

10 September 2014

the me from you

we can’t unravel us now,
entangled as we are;

where do we find a thread?
where slip in the knife?

how do we start slicing
the me from you?

we are blended, melded,
bonded, fused

you have absorbed me,
I have inhaled you

we are more than one,
yet never two

how do we separate
the me from you?
on

02 September 2014

letters - III

that time I called you a mistake
and you cried, I should have
stayed the course and
shunned those eyes
raised a glass
and smiled
on

objectification

you –
a singular
expendable thing
my sweet, sweet darling
on

06 August 2014

letters - II

we met 12 times
none of them mattered; I lost
my heart completely in that moment
you looked at me for the very first time
on

letters - I

almost a month later, I am
slowly beginning
to let go.

sometimes I even believe
I want to.
on

22 July 2014

too much for two

you said 'don't do this'
I prayed 'don't do this'
and together we hurt
a little too much
for two people
on

medicine

they say feelings are only visitors
and to let love come and go;

they say other people
are not medicine;

but you were,
you were.
on

should have - I

I should have been
more afraid of
your scars
on

25 June 2014

endings

I was a willing conquest
turned cold war

you a magician showing
your hand too soon

when the veil fell away
so did we
on

dead love(r)

you hurled yourself
into the hereafter
so violently

ten years later
I still tremble
remembering

such arrogance
your damning
finality
on

blindsided

my heart
it would have
followed you anywhere

- once
on

terror - I

I was not prepared
for the terror of
loving you
on

go away

today you return
emotional blackmail turned up high
I turn a blind eye

on

displaced

I was my own home
-you displaced me
on

drugs - II

that the world can and will
offer you these things
that may take you from me -
therein lies the rub, the
sting of loving you
too much
on

too much

it has always scared me -
this loving you, this much.
on

drugs - I

what a disquieting thing it is
to deeply love someone and yet
know you cannot keep them safe
- not even from themselves.
on

18 June 2014

Maya

I too was
Maya once
but with you
I wasn't always
elusively illusion
on

angels

what did they say
those angels on your shoulders
to stop you from touching me?
on

02 June 2014

I miss the bruises

I miss the bruises of your kisses most
that morning-after validation of us
the signature of your face
pressed into my flesh
on

knifed - I

for someone who
barely managed a kiss
worth remembering

you still stabbed
the knife of memory
into every breach
on

28 May 2014

slurp

unpeeling your skin
would bring me
a particular pleasure
a lust-filled joy
culminating in slurp.
on

23 May 2014

other men think you are a lucky man

other men think
you are a lucky man

but -

I have tasted your skin
my fingers dancing on fire
and known no darker magic

yet -
on

blinded

I didn't see the precipice
when you opened your mouth
the first time you spoke my name
on

22 May 2014

this distance between us

82 days
some 112,860 minutes
people have travelled
the world in less time
than we are taking to
travel this distance
between us
on

sorrow vs. grief

Sorrow stabs
and flees
Grief settles
and stays
on

name game

I speak your name now
no longer sacred

once held tenderly
in my mouth

now casually
spat out
on

you can't grapple with grief

you can't grapple
with grief

lie there quietly
let the grief sit

let it set slowly
let it settle

like cement
lining your bones
on

12 May 2014

I quit

loving you is
not my job -
I've resigned
on

lost

now that I no longer need you
I don't know what to do
with all this time
on

checkpoints of return

contemplating checkpoints of return
each time you come back
I give you less
of me
on

01 May 2014

beautiful mistake

you are my
most beautiful
mistake;

you left
exquisitely bitter
aftertastes.
on

too late now

if I had known
I wouldn't have fanned
those flames
on

obsessed

even your
one imperfection
a tender place I cherish
on

selflessness - II

you were the only one
whose pain I could not bear,
couldn't look at without burning
I wanted you to want for nothing
your happiness was
everything
on

selflessness - I

my selflessness is selfish
I hope I've ruined you
for anyone else
on

30 April 2014

last kiss - III

so blame me on the drink, love
it sure floods your moral high ground
your kisses refuse to be cowed
on

floored

just when I think
we can salvage friendship
from these embers,

you run your fingers
through my hair.
on

29 April 2014

last kiss - II

what did you
sing that day,
that last day
we kissed?
on

last kiss - I

you were most enjoyable
dead drunk
switching between kisses
and songs
on

all I want

your rugby jersey,
our bed, rain
and you.
on

so funny we cried

if you're doing something
might as well do it right:
we bagged the award for
being so funny we cried.
on

idiocy - II

we were idiotic, yes, yet:
no commonplace idiocy us;
we were superbly idiotic.
on

27 April 2014

violent goodbye

raw
this ache
heart on fire

we let us burn
a violent goodbye
haemorrhaging now
on

star signs

our
star signs
are compatible.

I wish we were.
on

90 days - IV

you, gently taking my hands
guiding them to your hair -
trusting, happy
content

me, sitting here knowing
this is goodbye; not
telling you.
on

surrender - VII

touching you
burnt all my fingers
my tongue

silenced now
I dare not breathe
we are fire
on

surrender - VI

don't even ask me
what colour the sheets were
all I saw was you
on

surrender - V

stop talking already
I don't need more friends
shut up and kiss me again
on

surrender - IV

three places were ours
every place is now yours
on

surrender - III

you are too delicious
for words; stop
talking
on

surrender - II

you keep coming back
I keep letting you
on

surrender - I

I shouldn't have to
fight to kiss you
give me you
(again)
on

space - IV

licking whiskey
off those lips,
you taste like fire.

when you fall silent,
I turn into
ice again.
on

space - III

we must stop
playing this game
of ice and fire
on

space - II

then you speak
all this space disappears
I breathe again
on

space - I

separated from you
all these words count for nothing
when you are silent
on

08 April 2014

grief - II

there are days
that will mock you
for the rest of your life
on

grief - I

dealing in darkness
empty-handed
hero dead
on

06 April 2014

blood

I gave you
everything but blood
but you finally drew that too
on

03 April 2014

things I will miss - II

I will
miss how you
panic

saying my name
over again, trying to delay
the inevitable

this
long-overdue
goodbye
on

02 April 2014

things I will miss - I

only you
use that name
I love how it sounds
in your lovely mouth
I will miss that
when I go
on

90 days - III

I'm ready for goodbye
baby you don't even know it
sleep securely tonight
on

90 days - II

you came with a 90-day warranty
my attention span never lasts so long;
this test drive has been amusing
a three-month trial and you're gone.
on

90 days - I

little do you know
I will be returning you
seven days hence

your naïveté is
rather refreshing
on

01 April 2014

play it by ear

April Fool's is a good day
to tell someone you
love them
on

25 March 2014

breaking hearts

you won't let me love you -
and breaking my heart,
you're also breaking
your own.
on

falling vs. building

at first
we fell into an 'us'
sudden, fleeting, too intense;

the togetherness
we are building now is
verging on the permanent
on

24 March 2014

labyrinth

If I had known
I would not have entered
your labyrinth
on

write

I will read to forget you
- and write to remember.
on

23 March 2014

ownership - II

you hold every part of me
that can be broken
in your hands
on

ownership

today you said 'you're mine...'
stopped yourself almost in time
but not quite, baby, not quite -

the words out, you didn't realise
I'm mine
on

misled

go ahead baby, get used to me
I'm enjoying slowly lulling you into
a false sense of complacency.
on

20 March 2014

sometimes infinite

'you beauty,' you whisper, 'you're
beautiful... and those eyes'

the moon shines on us
I shine only for you

together we are
sometimes

infinite
on

return - I

hours with you again
savouring this sweet pain
I pray it never ends
on

return - II

running my fingers
through your hair again
we are tender grief
on

18 March 2014

sand

you are just as
kaleidoscopically beautiful
as sand under a microscope
on

almost over you - II

counting down -
41 hours, 11 minutes -
till it's time to let you go;

who will tell the heart, then,
where time has stopped for you?
on

almost over you - I

if the rule of thumb still holds,
I should be over you
49½ hours from
now
on

17 March 2014

small

listening to the sea
I felt smaller than sand
not being there to hold you
on

on call

I can't always be on call
for when you need me
you need me 
too rarely
on

flat-line

the beat in your voice
flat-lined when you realised
I was finally with someone else
on

scar

you're a scab
I've picked at for
far too many years

I don't let myself heal
on

16 March 2014

all-spice

chillie cardamom coffee cream
caramel cinnamon all-spice dream
you are too delicious for words
on

silent treatment

I can refuse
to love you

stop trying
to stop me

on

ironic

and now you're
emotionally dependent
when my love is running out
on

14 March 2014

over you

it takes only 21 days
to break a bad habit;
you stayed away
too long.
on

displacement

this island heat
is all-consuming
displacing you.
on

untouched

two masseuses
on this hot afternoon
and a full body scrub later -
I now have skin you
haven't touched
on

11 March 2014

cold

these cold mornings:
you, sleeping somewhere else
me, waiting to be someone you miss.
on

breakfast

I want to lick 
your bones clean 
for breakfast

on

safe - II

I never felt safe with you
maybe I never said it because
I never felt safe with you
on

safe - I

so what do I do
now that I no longer feel
safe with you?
on

broken

now that you have broken me,
do you finally understand
how I work?
on

questions

I don't ask you questions
because you might answer them
on

pick one

which tragedy will you remember me by?

on

10 March 2014

spoilsport

you can't have later
what you don't want now
on

05 March 2014

sweat

in bed at noon
remembering
the taste of you
your sweat falling
into my eyes
and mouth
I now know
how you crawled
under my skin
into my heart
on

futile

after giving too much
of each other to us too early
we now find ourselves stumbling;
futile, this trying to find our own feet.
on

Lenten sacrifice

for Lent
I'm giving up
on you.
on

salt

I spill salt on my palm
and lick it off slowly
remembering.
on

home

today I learned
I can't go back home
I am my own home now.
on

03 March 2014

unsolved

you said:
"people can die
trying to solve
your mystery"

let them.

on

stay away

one does not remind
the crow it is black,
the leopard it is fierce,
the lion it is powerful.

I know what I am -
stay away from me.
on

doppelgänger

you can go now -
I've found your
doppelgänger.
on

satisfied

we're far too 
pleased with 
each other. 
something's 
got to give.
on

02 March 2014

magic

it means nothing when they say
'you’re beautiful'

I can only see it through your eyes –
when you look at me like
I am magic
on

indifference

don't ask me why
I can't look at you now
you once loved these eyes.
on

don't stop

and when you whisper
‘tell me when to stop’
all my walls fall down.
on

27 February 2014

heat

these blazing hot afternoons
spent kissing you in the sun
there's no better way to burn
on

almost invisible

he took one long look at me
then turned to you and said
what have you done to her?

I don't know how he became
the only one who could see.
on

tsunami

we were a tsunami
the search and rescue team
is still picking up the pieces of us
on

25 February 2014

wound II

pass the salt
I can tend to my  own wounds.
on

fabulous

you are a fabulous arrangement
of whatever it is we
are made of
on

off guard

you catch me off guard sometimes
with words,
and in that space before I freeze,
I am exposed -
I will leave if you persist with
tenderness.
on

building shadows

slowly breathing you out

 someone should tell you
we are building shadows
on

24 February 2014

nightmares

Strange, leaping, chasing snakes
Bleeding, screaming crows
Broken eggs on hands and floors

 You're my every nightmare -
and more.
on

kiss VIII

all those times you
pinned me down to stop me
from fighting you,

I bit you-

and we laughed
and you kissed me and I always
forgot I was mad
on

kiss VII

every time you made me mad and then
kissed me, I fell for you
a little bit more
on

ghost stories

we exchanged ghost stories
I walked away with a piece of you
a story for somebody else
on

21 February 2014

seven weeks

seven weeks of bliss
have come down to this
I still crave your kiss
on

pain

I can bite down
on my own pain - but
seeing yours breaks me
on

cold

Baby if you think
I'm cold, I guess
I nailed that role.
on

the end

say
goodbye
with dignity.
let go
with grace.
on

bruise

I will miss the bruises most
those hard kisses on my skin
the weight and ache of you
on

13 February 2014

hunger

Some names taste better.
Yours will be delicious.
Feed me. Now.
on

name - I

I hold your name -

 carefully in my mouth
it has no hard edges
but I am made of ice

 I wake up choking.
on

04 February 2014

realisation

I am a 
corpse cooling 
slowly

 your hands
can only warm me
for a while
on

frozen

that cold hard slap
of your name in my inbox
ice-blasted my blood
on

Impasse

I don’t eat anymore
because I can still taste you
inside my mouth
.
I haven’t felt your lips
pressed on my neck under my hair
in exactly eight days
.
I feel weightless
without you crushing me down
I fear I will float
.
I smash my cigarette
my fingers long to touch you again
I bite them too hard
on

17 January 2014

heart

when your fingers
traced lines on my body
so slowly, so hastily

I did not know they were
wrapping around my mind, tugging
at the heart ever-so-gently

until they took it and
deposited it in your hands
to do with as you will

I woke up, empty, trembling
on

words

take my heart
I don't want it
leave me words

on

burn

peeling off the pictures
of you under my eyelids
slowly bleeding

scraping off these memories
from my face of your fingers
gently tracing its contours

your hands in my hair
your sweat in my eyes
I closed them

only to have you
slip inside my mind
and stay there

these hands that touched you
they should be smashed,
cut off at the wrists

these fingers sliced away slowly
for they hold your fragrance still
[I hold your fragrance still]

this heart that showed itself
to you too soon, traitorous
beating, eating inside my chest

tell me how to unpeel
my skin; your eyes
touched everything

tell me how to empty
myself of all this blood
that sings for you

you said men burn
but women, they
leave easily

I am burning, do not speak
let me sear these wounds
as I please
on

01 January 2014

kalopsia

they call it kalopsia:
'the delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are'.

and so I have a word for it:
like a surprise gift that suddenly fell into my lap, discovered while browsing the internet – unguarded from words that could attack by simply existing; free gifts, free wounds, with no giver, no inflicter; no one to blame but self for aimless surfing, careless exposing of heart where there are knife words and caress words and too many others in between. (does it apply to people too? no delusion, this – this way that I see you.)

and so it has a name, then:
such a beautiful, collapsing-in-on-itself, drawn-out, soft word for this effect you have on me with the effect you have on things – you touch something or gaze at it, with that look in those eyes, and suddenly there is one more thing for me to see anew, to treasure, to hold to the heart tenderly.

kalopsia, how apt:
it sounds so much like what I want to do every time my eyes find you.

on
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