you walked into a bar

you walked into a bar

you walked into a bar

and you forgot to phone

you walked into a bar

and you forgot to phone

so I phoned you

I phoned you and asked

how you walked into a bar

and forgot to phone

and you started explaining

how you were there in the bar

with the men talking business

you explained business to me

but mansplaining takes time 

so I heard her

I heard her.

time

I have started

thinking about

time again

it does not help me

but it helps me

understand

because time –

time can measure
how hearts work

in silence, space, distance

time can measure love

in that measurement

I can understand

loss

I didn't realise I loved you until I did

I didn't realise I loved you
until I did

until you stopped me mid-sentence
and said this is love

and I have a word for this ocean
that has engulfed me

muting the screams that haven't stopped
since I can remember

where I can fully breathe and I am floating 
weightless and free, a balloon

your fingers hold the string gently
I don't want to break free.

complete

when you look at me
I look at me 
through your eyes

I see you see the scars
and cover me 
in something 
changing me
from more than just 
open wound

through your eyes I am 
more complete
than I have been 
since I was a child

calm yourself

calm yourself

watching
someone on a carousel
that won't stop for you

you wring your heart out 
with your hands
watching

calm yourself

this is a story for our children

this is a story 
for our children—

how I surrendered
with a simple 'you win' 

and walked so far in, 
your heart screaming 

'run' 

followed, only to find a love 
that makes you cry

depth and tenderness
an intimacy unimagined

now you won't apologise
for dreams of children

we won't have

feeding time

there are people
you should not return to

who would have you
tearing your heart out

there are people who 
turn a blind eye

for they must feed

decipher

how are you able
to see the writing
carved into my skin

read this language
understand this blood
how it ebbs and flows

hold this breath
measure its weight
and know its depth

you have not
known enough
of this life but yet

when I see
your soft hands
I want them

cry

I want to forget
how I loved you
with a love 
that made you 
want to cry

[unable to 
reciprocate -
heart swollen
with wanting
head trying to
stay afloat]

I will take 
nothing from you
when I leave
you will feel 
everything you are
disappear

no words

you brought out the

dictionary

made her swear on every

synonym

for over, left, broken

framing your questions in

all possible ways

covering all bases in

uncovering

your guile nowhere near

sufficient

for her deceit

my aunt looking for

proposals

for her daughter, adjusted

her shawl

and with a youthful laugh

once said

an old man marrying a

young girl

is like buying a book

for other people to read

love is warfare - II

love is warfare

we both know

only one of us 

comes back alive

journey

you are yet
to draw
lines between
my scars
see the shape
that emerges
draw parallels
and you would
speak of love
we have far to journey
I am still mapping 
your birthmarks

you break me

you bury your face in me
like you are starving 
I am left gasping

clawing at the sheets
your arms gripping me
held by the hips

I am helpless,
breathless, 
bound

and then you break me

happiness - III

happiness is fleeting 

but loss lines your bones

after I break

what you call serendipity 
is a weight inside my chest

you give me too little of you 

how did you learn to be 
so careful with yourself?

watching me hurl myself into us

standing there calmly, know this -
I will turn away after I break.

fallen - II

for the first time 

it doesn't scare you 

didn't you see 

my hands shake as I lit up 

yet another cigarette -
I've been scared for weeks

my face against your chest 

helps me breathe

you are home
I am lost

no bearings, 
no ground, 
no sky

supplant

today my heart
is beating outside my body
today my heart is crawling
into you

tomorrow I will
grow myself a new one 
and you will wake up
lost

paper-bag balloon

heart,
he has turned you
into a paper-bag balloon
easily fluttered
easily crushed

easily explosive

explodable

things my mother taught me - I

my mother taught me

to leave when no one’s looking

when there is no danger

of being stopped

or getting caught

she left past midnight

three children in tow

attempting an escape

along dark beaches, rail tracks

heart pounding

but I say

leave in the light

before being left

leave when it is least expected

– that’s when no one’s looking

some mornings

some mornings

I wake up broken

wash the blood

from the sheets

after he goes

they do not dance

in the breeze

or dry stiff

in the hot sun

but seethe in darkness

beneath a ceiling fan

swirling slowly,

heavy,

bearing witness

to too much

kite

you let me go

like you let go

of a kite

like I was nothing more

than paper or string

unravelling

nothing worth keeping

nothing worth saving

nothing

beautiful

do you know 
how beautiful
you are?

someone's going to 
want to break 
your heart

well-woman

the woman

in the house

behind my mother’s

forever leaping into wells

got on my mother’s nerves

‘why can’t she do the damn thing

when the well is full?’

she would fume

knowing full well

it was only a cycle

rinse, rise, repeat.

we were not so poor then

we were not so poor then

we spoke English

had running water

and tins of food from England

from those who left 

before us

our possession

of this tongue alone

was enough for mothers

to send their children 

to our garden

even after our mother left

(but what gave us street cred

were those instant soups)

we were not so desperate then

even when the same blood

running in our veins

started running in the drains

for our mother

in short, sharp sentences

told them what we were (not)

but then

we had running water

tins of food from England

a mother who could speak

their tongue

who told us to

SHUT UP

I should have dated losers

I should have 
dated losers

people 
who would eventually
slip through the cracks
into near or complete 
oblivion

who wouldn't turn up 
in newspapers 
unless arrested 
or in death notices
read by no one 
but those waiting 
to die

who would disappear
even from memory
face forgotten
footprints erased
invisible

as if - unlike you -
they never were.

love left, III

I am practicing 
being left

today 
I won't say anything

tomorrow
I won't feel anything

soon enough
I won't even know

you are a poem

you are not defective
you are not a body bag
you are not an embarrassment
you are not your political position
you are more than an aspen
you are kinship with trees
you are existential joy
you are a poem

love left, II

what do you do
when love
leaves?

like leaves falling from a tree
all too suddenly and all too slow
and you are 

left

the station is an empty echo
the train is gone
the dust motes dance no more

you wait
your waiting
is not waiting for

you wait in silence, in stillness
the blood roars in your ears
heartbeats hoof-beats in the dust

you will not leave

love left, I

when those
you love leave,

they are suddenly
everywhere -

step out, turn left
there they are!

right behind you,
oh they're there!

on the balconies
under the stairs

up on hoardings
everywhere

you can barely
take a step

for tripping over
some love left

or stumbling into
love that's left

when those
you love leave