submerged - III

yesterday
I was paralysed by grief again
I found myself holding on 
to the edge of the sink
staggering, shaken,
when I came to

later,
peeling potatoes,
I found myself with my hands 
submerged in the hot water
I had slipped them in,
then held them there,
unthinking

I, 
who have always been 
so careful with my hands, 
now I don't even flinch 
when they are burning

I don't even know.

submerged - II

my limbs
get so heavy sometimes

I have to picture myself
picking me up in parts

                           this hand
                           with this other hand

                           these legs
                           with both these hands

                           this head
                           takes so much to hold up

before I can make myself lurch
through this landslide of grief

submerged - I

from "you are my world"
to "you were my world"

there is a space so vast
I can't navigate it yet -

not through the ocean
of our endless tears

if we can stop crying
I might stop drowning.

salt in water

I wanted you to hold me
until the sadness disappeared 

it did -
like salt in water

no one can see it now
but it is all I can taste

there is a fire burning inside me still

I'll just keep on
saving up these knives -
use them to stab myself again.
you think you hurt me with words?

you will never know
how I hurt myself.

I take them out each night
look at all these weapons you tried
and here I am bloody and broken and yet
not begging, not so fallen as to let you feed me.

do you know nothing?
I know how to stay hungry.

look in the mirror for this one

don't tell me to
drop the fucking knife
after you made me feel unsafe

this.

to never

have to bury

anyone I love.

leave

why didn't you leave?

how do you answer that?

only by leaving